A Family Broken

We used to look like from the outside, a close family but at the beginning there was a small tare. As we, the children got older the tare became bigger and bigger and now we’re completely broken.

Yesterday my fiance and I experienced my sister being kicked out of my parent’s house again and practically being disowned. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to witness. I understand my parents concerns but I do understand how my sister is feeling because I went through the same thing. I just hid it better…

Growing up we were always taught to not to trust people, to ALWAYS listen to parents and be perfect. The problem was the lessons never really helped me through live. Not trusting people just doesn’t work because you need friends and other people in your life you can turn to and they can’t always be your parents. We were taught to OBEY us otherwise we would be reminded of it for the rest of our lives and get yelled at over and over again. Being their ideal, their idea of a perfect daughter could never happen because we’re human and whatever we did or tried our best at was never good enough.

It seems that parents that have two children that are some year apart don’t realize they can’t compare them. Just because at such and such a time this kid was doing these things, doesn’t mean the other will do the same. I think to worst thing to do just that because they are completely TWO different people and everyone goes through a different path to find they’re way through life.

It’s funny how the only way I became aware of the way my family and I communicates with each other is when my fiance witness me talking to my sister about something. He said, “Do you notice you don’t actually talk to your sister? You attack her and then she attacks you?” I took a step back and realized. Yes, I do and that could explain why our family fights all the time, why every time someone says something our defences go up. I told myself that I can’t do this anymore and will do my best to stop it.

My fiance and I have been together now for 10 year, planning a wedding and have been through a lot together due to my parents disapproval of my relationship with him. Only 7 years in to the relationship they realized he’s here to stay. Yesterday, he witness how my family truly communicates and he even made him tear up.

The hardest thing about witnessing this whole ordeal was the aftermath! My father yelling at my sister to GET out and saying GOODBYE! With my sister streaming, carrying her bags of clothing out the door and saying “I don’t need this anymore!” When my fiance, my sister and I got in the car, my sister was streaming crying “I don’t want to live! Just let me die! I can’t take this anymore!” And the worst part was her crying for our mother like she did when she did when she was a little girl. It broke my heart.

Now, she’s living with us because who else does she have and she needs a stable and safe environment. I hope I can provide the shoulder, the love, financial and EMOTIONAL support she needs. I hate to see the family broken like this in 10 years but right now, the future doesn’t look so bright that includes all of this family.

LOG: 1Mth 1WK

This week was ok I guess. I did pretty good when it came to my weekdays: I did my exercises and ate my fruits/veggies and had my healthy breakfast but I did struggle with a few things with week.

My exercise plan was to swim on Monday which I did, swim again wtih a friend on Tuesday which we did and do my exercises on Wednesday which I did. I was very proud of myself because I did my exercise without my phyiso guy’s help and didn’t hurt my knees. I actually held my plank for 1min and 15secs. The last time I did that I could barely hold it for 20secs. I made a nutriational advisery appointment at my phyiso place and I had to make a food diary which was harder then I thought. I don’t like recording everything that I eat at every moment of the day but I do understand it’s purpose. I had a ressment this week as well, so I mentioned my new fitness goals, the phyiso lady also took measurments of my arms, thighs, stomach and said she’ll do a revalution in 6wks, so lets see how I do.

I notice that I’m getting more and more tired of tea these days. I try to switch it up but at least when I don’t have tea, I drink lots and lots of water.

This weekend was pretty bad for me. I SNACKED LOT but at this wasn’t on a big bag of chips! I had edemama, rice chips and some chocolate. What can I say I was had a craving and I went with it. I MUST do better this week. NOT MORE. PLEASE TRY TO BE GOOD!!

This week had it’s challenges to say the least but I’m still determined to keep my exercising up and try to stay with my new healthy choices. I don’t like the word “diet”, so I’m not going to mention it! Hope this week will be better for me.

Action Table

Weekday	Actions
Monday	: Work – veggies and tea : Swimming – 1hr (by myself) : Stairs x6
Tuesday	: Work :: oatmeal for breakfast :: veggies and half of an apple for snacks : Swimming 2hrs
Wednesday	: Work – veggies and dip with lunch : Workout (1.5hrs – by myself) :: tredmile – 25 mins (10mins incline 12%) :: one leg up while pulling 17.5kg weight with opposite arm (3 sets of 10 each arm) :: core curcuit – plank on ball and bench (pull ball in and out), on mat – laying down on back lifting legs 3 inches off of the ground (3 sets of 15) :: balance on half ball with 5 kg weight ball in hand – lifting ball above head (3 sets of 10) :: bicycle – going round a “track” each curve peddled as fast as I could x20 :: on half blanacing ball – one legged dead lift with hands againist wall (3 sets of 15) :: mat – switching between plank and push up position x10, held plank for 20 secs :: time self holding plank position – 1min 15sec!!! :: stretch : Stairs x6
Thursday	: Work – mango for a snack w lots of water : Stairs x6
Friday	: Work – orange for a snack w lots of water : Short walk from CBC to Eaton Centre : Stairs x6
Saturday	: No fruits only corn for veggies w lots of water : Had edemama for a snack : SNACKED A LOT
Sunday	: Had edemama for a snack w lots of water

Total Count

Goals	Actions	RESULTS
Healthier Intake (7 days)	: Veggies – 7/7 : Drank tea – 1/7	FAIR
Exercise (2 times per wk)	: Phyiso + Workout – 3/2	GOOD
Stairs(twice a day per wk day in wk)	: Work Stairs – 24/10	FAIR
Drinks (1 per wk)	: Ice Tea – 0/1 : Sugar Drink – 1/1	BAD

LOG: ONE MONTH IN – Holy C%$#

I can’t believe that it’s already been a month and suprisely I’m seeing some results. I’m fitting in to my clothing much better and have a bit more energy during the weekdays. That week was fruit week , I had oranges and the most delicious grapes that I’ve ever had!! The asian eye wins! FYI: Because I’m half chinese, my fianace says that I have an “asian” eye for fruits. Appareantly, I pick the sweetest fruits.

I have to say that Monday’s workout at phyiso was the most intense workout that I’ve ever had or could remember. One thing that I found most difficult was when we did step up kicks and I had to kick with my shin. Because of karate training (back in the day) it was very hard to train myself not to break down the kick like normal. I was huffing and puffing the whole time due to my athelic asma but I did it and pushed through it! I was coughly like crazy after my workout but it was worth it. Wednesday’s workout was very tough on my tummy but that’s something that really needs to done. It was difficult to laugh and cough. I’m still push through, trying to make these changes habits but I’m still determined to meet my goals.

This week, will be a challenge for me because my phyiso guy/ personal trainer will be on vacation till next Tues, so I really have to try to stay on track and exercise. Otherwise, he will kick my ass, big time!The other phyiso guy they have is aviable for the times those times that I can’t make it. So my plan is to SWIM. I WILL swim 3 times this week and get my exercise!!

Talking about swimming, I was looking up the tighting up swimming technics and aqua aerobatics online. I’m developing lesson plans for my friend and I. I recorded a song with different ques like “jump” for doing jumping jacks in the pool so I know when to change to movements and which movements to change to. I need to mix up the lessons here and there and it would give me more exercise in the pool as well. Very excited!!

I’ve calculated the monthly percentage to see how much I’ve stayed on track and I’m pretty proud of myself that I’m pretty much sticking to it. But the REAL test will be in the halfway mark. So we’ll see how I’m doing in two mths for now.

Wish me luck!

Action List for this Week

Weekday	Actions
Monday	: Work : Oatmeal for breakfast : grapes, orange for snacks with some tea : Had something different for lunch today [SOYA BEAN, spanich, chicken with long grain rice] : Phyiso (1.5hrs) :: Tredmile – walked fast 3mins :: Curcuit (8 mins and something secs) – Burpies (start standing, go down push off of a bench), resting action – step throw 5pds ball (no breaks, burpies set of 50, 40, 30, 20, 10 then in between 30mins of throwing ball) :: struggled with coordination – jump up with both feet on bench then throw 5pds ball then throw back ball then step down continuous (only could jump with both feet and step doen 10 times without ball) :: pulled 27.5pds wieght with one hand while lifting opposite leg (3 sets of 10) :: foam rolled leg because they where getting very tight :: set up on bench with one leg then swing kick with other (2 sets of 15) :: balance feet on flat balls while lifting 5pds wieght straight up and over head (3 sets of 12) :: stretched – stretched on leg machine started 80 diagrees now 92-95 : Stairs x6
Tuesday	: Work – oranges and some grapes for snacks w tea : Swimming – 1hr : Stairs x6
Wednesday	: Work :: oatmeal :: oranges and grapes for snacks w tea : cheated had come doritos from a friend : Phyiso 2hrs :: Tredmile – walking fast 5 mins :: lay down, lift legs 3 inches off the ground and hold 3 secs, plank position on ball and bench (pull legs in and out) – 3 sets of 15 :: balancing on half ball (flat side), holding 5 kg ball and move the ball straight up above head – 3 sets of 15 :: balancing on ball (flat side) facing the wall, one legged dead lift – 3 sets of 10 on ech leg :: step up from side to side on half ball (rounded side) x50 :: plank and push up position – hold for 4 sec ech x20, after helding plank position 20secs :: push up position, leg stretched to the side like a long side lunge position – 2 sets of 12 :: stretched out : Stairs x4
Thursday	: Work – mango, grapes, oranges for snacks with tea : Stairs x6
Friday	: Work :: Oatmeal for breakfast :: Snacks – fruits : Stairs x6
Saturday	: Home :: Sushi for dinner :: Drinks with Hubby + Ice Tea
Sunday	: Home :: vegs to for snacks :: small walk from Sheppard/ Bessarion to Sheppard/ Leslie :: Cheated – Had McDonald’s

Total Count

Goals	Actions	RESULTS	Monthly %
Healthier Intake (7 days)	: Veggies/Fruits – 6/7 : Drank tea – 5/7	GOOD
Exercise (2 times per wk)	: Phyiso + Workout – 3/2	GOOD
Stairs ( 30 opprotunities to take the stairs per week)	Stairs – 22/30	GOOD
Drinks (1 per wk)	: Ice Tea – 2/1	BAD
Other Activity (1 per wk)	: Walk – 1 : Swimming – 1	GOOD

ONE MONTH IN

Action Items	Healthier Intake	Exercise	Stairs	Drinks	Other Activity
Monthly Total (#)	45/56	9/8	96/120	-12/1	7/8
Monthly TOTAL (on Track) %	92%

LOG: Third Week

My third week was pretty interesting. It’s my first week having oatmeal for breakfast every other day, so I don’t get bored and it’s surprising to say that I do enjoy having something warm on these really cold winter mornings. Still swimming: I can’t believe how tiring it can be! But it was so awesome because the friend of mine that I’m teaching how to swim actually swam!! She floated completely on her own and did the doggy paddle on her second try! I’m so excited to see what she’s going to do next. I think I will start looking up different swimming arobic exercises, so we get even more exercise in there. One thing I did learn was that doing bicycle movenments in air would hurt so much!!

I didn’t as well as last week exercise wise but I am still trying, did some more walking and we had a bit of a snow storm here, so let’s see if I can keep this up next week!!

Action List for this Week

Weekday	Actions
Monday	: Work :: Oatmeal for breakfast (First day – let’s see how that goes) :: Food – veggies, whole wheat crackers for snack and tea : Phyiso 1.5hrs :: Tredmile – walk fast 5mins :: Curcuit – hit ball on floor while doing a squat, hold ball and step up on “step up”, hold plank [ first time: 30 ech exercise, 45 ech, 1 min ech with no break in between exercises] :: Left wieghts with both hands, sitting on a bench (rowing like) lifted – 27.5 (3sets of 15), 35.5 (1 sets of 15), 30 (1 set of 15) :: Bicycle leg movements in the air (did that till my legs gave out), 25 bridges (2 sets) :: Stretched out : Stairs x4
Tuesday	: Work – veggies and a tangerine for snacks with some tea : Swimming – 1.5hrs : Stairs x4
Wednesday	: Home (Snow Day) – veggies for snacks
Thursday	: Work – Whole wheat bagel w egg, cheese, ham and special mayo for breafast (treated for myself – once a mth) with tea and an orange : Short walk from Cbc to Old Spaghetti Factory : Stairs x6
Friday	: Work – fruits for a snack and had some tea : Walked from CBC to Yonge and Wellesley : Stairs x8
Saturday	: Home – had some veggies with dinner (snowed in)
Sunday	: Home – had some fruit for a snack

Weekly Count

Goals	Actions	RESULTS
Healthier Intake (7 days)	: Veggies/Fruits – 7/7 : Drank tea – 5/7	GOOD (IMPROVED)
Exercise (2 times per wk)	: Phyiso + Workout – 2/2 (Snow Day)	GOOD
Stairs ( 30 opprotunities to take the stairs per week)	Stairs – 28/30	GOOD (IMPROVED)
Drinks (1 per wk)	: Ice Tea – 1/1 : Night with Friends (Drinking) – many	BAD
Other Activity (1 per wk)	: Walk – 2 (10mins and 45mins) : Swimming – 1.5hrs	GOOD (IMPROVED)

LOG: Second Week and I’m Already Tired

I really tried my very best to stick with the plan. I was sore from all of the exercises and hard work but I know it’ll all be worth it in the end. But I need to fess up to something. I cheated this week. On Wednesday, I caved and ate some tortilla chips and ginger ale. I know, I know it wasn’t the best descion but at least we have no more of those things in the apartment. When we went grocery shopping, I told my fiance if you want chips, please hide them from me. So I have nothing to snack on besides: edemama, veggiess, tea, water or orange juice.

I helped a friend out by teaching her how to swim last week. It was a great work out my friend and I. It was also a great learning experience for both of us. I taught her how to doggy paddle and she did very well for her first try. Right now, she’s able to float but she still needs my help. I tried to let her go slowly but it’s very taught for her to trust herself and the water. It’s a great motivator to have someone there to exercise with and have fun too.

I hope I can keep this or aleast stay close to this exercising schedule. I noticed that I made some improvement which is a start.

Action List for this Week

Weekday	Actions
Sunday	: Food – ate little snacks
Monday	: Work – eatting bananas and apples for a snack : Phyiso :: worked out for 2 hrs [circuits: ball + squats, ball + bench, moutain climbs, plank (2 mins) 30 sec for ech exercise] x4 :: walked faster on the tredmile then I usually do :: hanging w leg rises 10 x3 :: pulling w both hands 28pds wieght 12×3 then 35: 12 times :: on bike – slow then for straight aways peddle has fast as I can x10 times (the really hurt my ASS
Tuesday	: Work – apple and banana for snacks : Swimming – Helped a friend learn how to swim 1.5 hrs
Wednesday	: Work – apple and banana for snacks and tea : Lunch – used the stairs x2 : Phyiso (2.5 hrs) :: Walked faster then normal (6mins) :: Did another tiring curcuit [burpies - 1 set of 25, 20, 15, 10 + dead lifts - 1 set of 15 + 20 + 25 + 30 (NO BREAKS] :: Strenghtening neck exercises :: Learning how to properly use ALL if not most of the exercise machines :: Lifted 27.5 weights with both hands (3 sets of 15) :: Lifted 35.8 weights with both hands (1 set of 15) :: Dead lefts with 20 pd wieghts (one wieght in each hand – 3 sets of 12)
Thursday	: Work – had some tea : Lunch – used the stairs x2
Friday	: Work – apple and banana for snacks and tea : After work – small walk from CBC to Union Station : Home – had some veggies for a snack
Saturday	: Home – Veggies for a snack
Sunday	: Home – Veggies for a snack

Weekly Count

Goals	Actions	RESULTS
Healthier Intake (7 days)	: Fruits – 5/5 : Veggies – 3/3 *Got veggies on Fri, no more fruits left : Drank tea – 5/7	GOOD (IMPROVED)
Exercise (2 times per wk)	: Phyiso + Workout – 3/2	GOOD (IMPROVED)
Stairs ( 30 opprotunities to take the stairs per week)	: Stairs – 24/30	FAIR (IMPROVED)
Drinks (1 per wk)	: Ice Tea – 0/1 : Ginger Ale – 3/0	BAD
Other Activity (1 per wk)	: Walk – 1 : Swimming – 1	FAIR (IMPROVED)

LOG: Done So Far

Everyday since has been a struggle: Dealing with the cravings of my arched enemy CHIPS, or not wanted to go to my phyiso/ exercise appointments or even dealing with my laziness.

But at least I’m trying to better myself now instead of complaining about how unhappy I am with my habits and body. Last Sunday night, I realzed these things and the same Sunday night I made a small change to start me off on the right foot.

Because I’ve enjured my knees before I’m a little wary to fully exercise on my own and since I’m already going to Phyiso once a wk, I’ve asked my Phyiso guy to ramp up my exercise. This way I know I won’t do anymore damage to my knees and get the results that I want.

Here is a list these things that I’ve done so far since the revolation

Weekday	Actions
Sunday	: Food – Drank green tea instead of eating multiple “bad” snacks
Monday	: Food – Had mostly tea and veggies
Tuesday	: Food – Had mostly tea and veggies
Wednesday	: Food – Had tea and veggies for my snack : Did my first circuit [ Lounges,+ squats+ laterals, 10 sets of each x4 with no breaks - completed in 2mins 25sec]
Thursday	: At work – taken the stair x2 : Food – Had veggies for a snack and tea
Friday	: Food – Veggies for a snack and tea
Saturday	: Wii – Play Outdoor adventure w sister – 1hr (carido)

Re – tea: I don’t add an milk or sugar to my green teas

Re – Running
Ran for the first time in years because of my athelic assma ALWAYS made it very difficult for me, but really proud of myself that I was able to do it.

Weekly Count

Goals	Actions	RESULTS
Healthier Intake (7 days)	: Veggies – 5/7 : Drank tea – 6/7	GOOD
Exercise (2 times per wk)	: Phyiso + Workout – 1/2	GOOD
Stairs (30 opportunities to take the stairs per week)	: Stairs – 22/30	FAIR
Drinks (1 per wk)	: Ice Tea – 5/1	BAD
Other Activity (1 per wk)	: Walk – N/A : Wii – Play Outdoor adventure w sister – 1hr (carido)	FAIR

Revelation

Last Sunday, I had a revelation. I snack WAY too much. I eat anything that’s salty and I’m a chip fiend, so I would like to do something for myself.

I used to be the girl the snacked all the time but never really gained anything. People would ask, “What’s your secret?” and I would answer, “I eat what I wanted.” Now, this is no more because I’m getting older and doing little to no exercise. I know that I’m not that “big” but I feel very uncomfortable in my own skin. Some of my family members are very vocal about my weight gain. For example, saying things like “So you’ve gotten gained a lot of wieght!” But these changes that I’M deciding to make are not for them but for ME and ONLY ME.

I would like to get in to habits NOW e.g. making the better health choices. Because if I get in to these good habits now then I will be a better for my children and not stuggle to keep up with them.

I’ve set a few short and long term goals for myself

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My Goals- Short Term

In 6mths time – My good friend has agreed to take a nice picture of my tattoo located on my lower back, so I will need to look my best and I want this to be something pretty that I can be proud of!

My Goal – Long Term

• STOP snackinng on the bad foods – Substute with fruits, veggies
• Eat at least one veggie or fruit once a day
• Drink more green teas – it’ll help my mind from thinking about the “bad” foods
• Exercise more – at least 2 times a wk (instead of only once)
• Take the stairs instead of the escolator
• Take more walks (when the weather permits it)
• Drink less sugar drinks like ice tea (usually have one every wk day) – will reduce to once a week

Lost

I recently lost my only grandfather. He wasn’t a talkative man or showed his emotions that often, but he was always there for us. Always asking if we were ok, always asking if we were cold or hungry. Even asking us how school or work was going, even if he didn’t quite understand what we did. He wasn’t a hugging man but we always knew that he was proud and loved all of his children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. When I look through his pictures I noticed something: he has such a big smile on his face and looked so happy. In our Chinese tradition he was known as Yeh Yeh, my grandfather from my father’s side. I will miss him dearly!

Wong Chung Chow was born in China. There he was arranged to marry my grandmother. After having 3 children: my father included, he decided to migrate to Guayana in search for a better life for his family. After 7 years of saving, sacrificing and being away from his family, he was able to send for his family to come over to Guayana. There my grandparents had 5 more children. They owned a little grocery store and poultry farm. His children were getting an education they needed but he wanted them to be educated somewhere better. His two choices were to move to Vancouver or Toronto. He choose Toronto. It was very tough for him to move there because migration laws were to strict. They would asked questions like do you have a trade skill or do you have this amount of  money? This was a big gamble for my grandfather because he had very little money and he had 8 kids to feed. Luckily, he had some wonderful friends that were already in Canada and helped him out by loaning him the money that he needed. He was able to open up a Fish & Chip shop, buy a house for his large family and has been here ever since. He told my father “I’m so thankful to be there. This is a place where if you work hard, do some sacrificing; you will succeed.” And they all did just that.

My grandfather died in the evening of Monday, November 1st, 2010. He was 89 years old, had 8 children, 13 grandchildren and 4 great grandchildren. My grandparents were married for 70 yrs. He had been suffering with lung cancer for 8 yrs. He smoked a bit in his younger days but quit after having kids. In his later days, he was not the same grandfather that I remembered. He was always the strong one: lifting something, helping someone, paving his driveway or picking the large squashes from their many vegetables gardens. Even though he had cancer for so long, he always managed to pull through and surprised us each time, but this time he didn’t. My grandmother was shaking him: yelling, “Don’t leave me!” It breaks my heart just thinking about someone that you’ve been with and loved for so long: seeing them dying in front you. The cancer was too much for his poor body and he just couldn’t fight it any longer. He passed away with little pain, in his bed, in his house and with his family by his side. That’s the way he wanted it to be.
He was the only grandfather that I ever knew and I will always have him in my heart. I know that he’ll always be there watching over us, but the hardest thing is not being able to see, hear or share those special moments with him.  I’m glad he’s not suffering anymore.

I love you, my only Yeh Yeh!

My Grandfather and I

My Adventure on the TTC today

Today was just like any other day. I woke, got dress, ate breakfast and went on the the subway to get to work. So I get on, wait for the train to leave and I fall in and out of sleep.

The train doors hit something and I fully wake up. I can see a homeless guy standing there with what looks like a brand new bike in his hands and he’s yelling at this woman. He’s yelling at her, “Why didn’t you move out of the way!! I was trying to get in to the train and you didn’t move!! Can’t you read the sign ‘Do not stand in front of doors?!’” The woman yells back, “Well, did you know that you hurt my leg with you bike?!” They exchanged words again, then the woman gives up and sits down. The homeless guy for whatever reason starts walking to that other end of the train. He leaves his bike right in front of the doors where people were trying to get in. People either wouldn’t get on the train, or not even noticed the bike and almost trip.

After that ordeal, he comes back to his bike. Crouches down and starts drinking this brown like substance. I’m not fully sure what that substance was, but the bottle itself was covered in dirt. ‘Yum!’ Then he pulls out this magazine. Which fine because anyone reads on the subway but as I look at the magazine more closely, I can see that it’s a porno magazine. Not a Playboy or Hassler magazine and full out hard core porno magazine. I’m trying really hard not to stare the magazine or him because I really don’t want to bring any sort of attention to myself and he’s practically 2 feet in front of me. I look at the other side and there’s a guy across from me, shaking his head, laughing. I guess he noticed the dirty magazine too.

As this is going on, there are two women that are just full out laughing their asses off at his behavour. As he’s looking at the “wonderful” magazine, he was getting really happy and smiling from ear to ear. He puts the magazine down and then gets a water bottle out. He starts drinking some water and starts washing his hair and face with the water! Pores some water in to his hand then full out poring the water on to his head. The he starts looking at his dirty magazine again and starts getting even more happy. At this point, I was getting scared because if he’s comfortable enough to wash his hair and face on the subway, what else would he do?!

Finally, he asked “So where are we going?” Everyone answers, “Southbound.” Then he finally gets off at Lawrence. I think everyone on that particular train was glad to see him leave. I have to say that really woke me up this morning.

Alone

Here I am

Not goal in sight
Drowning in seas of worries
Can’t find the light

Lost with fear
Tired of the worries
Nothing will appear

Standing with pain
No direction seems right
Want to break free from these chains

Here I am alone with fright